Ah, hygiene habits, the pinnacle of human existence and the true mark of a civilized individual. Forget about world peace and curing diseases, because cleanliness is what really matters, folks! So, grab your disinfectant wipes and sanitizing spray because we’re about to embark on a journey to become the cleanest caricatures of ourselves!
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Step 1: Shower daily
Bathing, ah yes, the luxurious activity that our ancestors had no idea about. Who needs to conserve water or preserve natural oils when you can just scrub away your skin’s essential nutrients every single day? And make sure to use the strongest soap available; we wouldn’t want a hint of natural odor lingering, would we?
Step 2: Brush your teeth after every meal
Why stop at twice a day when you can bust out your toothbrush after every tiny morsel that enters your mouth? The world must witness your obsession with oral hygiene as you parade around with a permanently minty-fresh breath. Dental visits? Forget about them! Who has time for professional cleanings when you’re already scrubbing away your enamel like there’s no tomorrow?
Step 3: Sanitize everything you touch
Living in the age of germs is truly a curse, isn’t it? It’s almost as if our immune systems were designed to handle bacteria and viruses. But why risk it when you can douse yourself and everything you come into contact with in a generous amount of hand sanitizer? Who cares about the potential for superbugs and the eradication of good bacteria when we’ve got a clean façade to maintain?
Step 4: Vacuum and dust daily
Got a speck of dust on your bookshelf? Quick! Drop everything you’re doing and unleash the mighty power of your vacuum cleaner. Heaven forbid we allow those microscopically small, harmless particles to linger one second longer! And don’t forget about dusting with a feather duster that simply moves the dust from one surface to another. Because really, why solve a problem when you can just relocate it?
Step 5: Stop touching your face
Because telling someone to stop doing something they’ve done since infancy is guaranteed to work seamlessly. Who needs to scratch an itch or wipe away an annoying eyelash when we can all walk around with palms glued to our sides like penguin impostors? Society demands it!
Step 6: Constantly wash your hands
Congratulations, folks! We have achieved the pinnacle of human evolution where we wash our hands more times per day than an OCD chimp with a phobia of invisible filth. Forget moisturizing; we must scrub our skin raw and marvel at the invisible germs floating away. Remember, your hands should resemble a desert devoid of any natural oils!
Step 7: Sterilize your home
Sure, there’s something charming about the scent of freshly baked cookies or the sight of a colorful, thriving garden, but let’s obliterate all traces of life in our homes, shall we? Replace plants with artificial foliage, banish pets to the great outdoors, and make sure every surface gleams with the power of industrial-strength cleaning products. After all, who needs an ecosystem when you can have an antiseptic paradise?
And there you have it, folks! These simple steps will undoubtedly turn you into the epitome of cleanliness, even if it means sacrificing your sanity, natural body odors, and basic human behaviors. Remember, germs are lurking around every corner, waiting to pounce on the unclean masses. So, grab your hazmat suit and embrace the world of excessive hygiene, because being a sterile robot is the ultimate goal we should all aspire to achieve!