Hold onto your vaccine cards, folks! In a twist that could make even the most jaded conspiracy theorist’s head spin, Fox 4’s Emmy Award-winning reporter Matt Stewart and his wife Chrissy have been diagnosed with turbo cancer. Yes, you heard it right—turbo cancer. Because regular cancer just wasn’t dramatic enough for 2024.
In a twist of fate that could only be described as “2024 Bingo,” Emmy Award-winning Fox 4 morning reporter Matt Stewart and his wife Chrissy have announced they both have turbo cancer. Yes, you read that right—turbo cancer. Because regular cancer is so last season.
The Turbocharged Twist
Matt and Chrissy Stewart, the picture-perfect couple who were poster children for the Covid-19 mRNA vaccine campaign in Kansas City, are now poster children for something entirely different. After a minor colon cancer scare three years ago, Matt’s cancer decided it was time for a sequel, and this time, it brought friends.
“Friends, I have some devastating news,” Matt shared on Facebook, because where else do you drop bombshells like this? “I have been feeling a little off mentally lately – dizzy, nauseous, a little double vision,” Stewart wrote, casually listing symptoms that could also describe a really bad hangover.
The ER Visit That Changed Everything
On a seemingly ordinary Sunday morning, Matt asked Chrissy to take him to the ER. Little did they know, this visit would be anything but ordinary. A CT scan revealed a mass in Matt’s cerebellum. But wait, there’s more! Smaller masses were found in his lungs, on the L1 of his spine, and on a lymph node outside his rectum. If you’re playing “Cancer Bingo” at home, that’s a winning card.
The Turbo Cancer Chronicles
“We are waiting on the biopsy to determine the exact type of cancer it is,” Matt continued, because why settle for regular cancer when you can have turbo cancer? “They believe a microscopic cancer cell survived my surgery from three and a half years ago and decided to go on a grand tour of my body.”
Rare Cancers Are the New Black
According to leading oncologist Dr. William Makis, rare cancers are the new black. They are exploding in number around the world and behaving in ways that make horror movies look tame. Some young and healthy patients have died “days or even hours” after diagnosis. Dr. Makis, who has diagnosed 20,000 cancer patients in his illustrious career, says he and his colleagues are baffled by this new trend.
The Experts Weigh In
World-renowned oncologist and professor Angus Dalgleish, known for his cancer and HIV research, has also jumped into the fray. He has urged the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to recall the “fundamentally flawed” Covid mRNA shots. According to Prof. Dalgleish, these shots lead to an “uncontrolled amount of spike protein production in the body,” because the modified mRNA contains N1-methyl-pseudouridine (m1Ψ), which allows the mRNA to last in the body for “an indefinite period of time.” Because who wouldn’t want a little mRNA squatting indefinitely in their body?
The Vaccine Plot Twist
So, here we are in 2024, where the plot twist involves vaccines, turbo cancer, and a TV news anchor. If this were a TV show, critics would pan it for being too unrealistic. But alas, it’s real life, and we are left to ponder the irony.
Turbo Cancer: The New Buzzword
As the world grapples with this new buzzword, “turbo cancer,” one can’t help but wonder what other delightful surprises 2024 has in store. Perhaps unicorns with diabetes or flying pigs with arthritis? Only time will tell.
In Conclusion
In the end, Matt and Chrissy Stewart’s story is a symptom of our times—a world where reality often feels stranger than fiction. As we navigate the twists and turns of modern life, let’s remember to keep our sense of humor intact. Because if we can’t laugh at the absurdity, what’s left?
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In the end, Matt and Chrissy Stewart’s story is a symptom of our times—a world where reality often feels stranger than fiction. As we navigate the twists and turns of modern life, let’s remember to keep our sense of humor intact. Because if we can’t laugh at the absurdity, what’s left?